Today’s Funny: Rules for Fighting a Skunk

The Old Country Boy’s Rules for Fighting a Skunk are as follows:

#1: Pick a young skunk

#2: Make sure he is downwind

#3: Get a 12-gauge double-barreled shotgun loaded with double ought shells.

#4: Better still, get a 30:06 with a scope. You can stand further away from the skunk.

#5: On second thought, don’t pick a fight with a skunk. There’s a good chance something will go wrong and you’ll lose and end up with a pocket full of stink.

The above rules apply equally well for dealing with most liberal politicians and Barack Obama.

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The Ant and the Grasshopper

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Two Different Versions! …………….. Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

And now for the MODERN version…

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant ‘s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’

Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back ofthe grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2012.

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No Caption Necessary…

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Pictures From Obama’s Own Backyard

Ahhh, Chicago.  Finally I have a reason to love and laud the heartland of governmental grist and corruption (well, its citizens at any rate).  Well done and well said Chi-town!

 

Strange we never saw these images on the Main Stream Media. Where are you All Barack Channel?  Central Barack Station?  Too busy covering  Jacko’s drama to pay attention to America?  Ummm, duh!

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New Scientific Discovery Explains Everything

Well I finally found the reason our county and the world as a whole is in such a mess:

A major research institution has recently announced the
discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The
new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons. These morons
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take
over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a
second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
Critical Morass.

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The “Americans With No Abilities” Act

CONGRESS CONSIDERING NEW LAW

“AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT”

WASHINGTON, DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing.”

The Senator pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any goals for the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?”

 “As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented, unmotivated citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said President Obama, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

Will, it could happen and I wouldn’t be at all surprised…..

(orig author unknown)

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Classic Movie Clips…Updated

These were sent to me via email and I do not know who the artist is but they truly are hysterical and bone-chilling in their accuracy!  Enjoy…

 

 

Kudos to BIGFURHAT for these images.  Keep ’em coming!

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Dinner Roll

Another email… author unknown. Really liked this though.

Once upon a time, I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with
the President. I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces
memory chips for computers and portable electronics. There was some talk
that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it
no mind. I live in a free country. There’s nothing that the government can
do to me if I’ve broken no laws. My wealth was earned honestly, and an
invitation to dinner with an American President is an honor.

I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the
President in a yellow dining room.  We sat across from each other at a table
draped in white linen. The Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed
staff served our dinner.  The meal was served, and I was startled when my
waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate, and began
nibbling it as he walked back to the kitchen.

“Sorry about that,” said the President. “Andrew is very hungry.”

“I don’t appreciate…” I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes
across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty.. It was just a dinner
roll.  “Of course,” I concluded, and reached for my glass. Before I could,
however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed
the wine in a single gulp.

“And his brother Eric is very thirsty.” said the President.

I didn’t say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I thought. I
will play along. I don’t want to seem unkind.  My plate was whisked away
before I had tasted a bite.

“Eric’s children are also quite hungry.”

With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from
under me. I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was
carried from the room.

“And their grandmother can’t stand for long.”

I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool.
Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some game. I
reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken. I turned back to the
President.

“Their grandfather doesn’t like the cold.”

I wanted to shout – that was my coat! But again, I looked at the placid
smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread my
hands helplessly and chuckled. Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my
wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side
table. I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank
accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my
wife had been thrown out of our home. Apparently, the waiters and their
families were moving in. The President hadn’t moved or spoken as I learned
all this, but finally I lowered the phone into its cradle and turned to face
him.

“Andrew’s whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven’t
planned for retirement, and they need a house. They recently defaulted on a
subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more
than you do.”

My hands were shaking. I felt faint. I stumbled back to the table and knelt
on the floor. The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak and drank
his wine.

I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the tablecloth
that were water drops.

“By the way,” He added, “I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing
your factories. I’m firing you as head of your business. I’ll be operating
the firm now for the benefit of all mankind.  There’s a whole bunch of
Eric’s and Andrews out there and they can’t come to you for jobs groveling
like beggars.”

I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which
had been his crème brulee. He drained the last drops of his wine.

As the table was cleared, he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair.
He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if were a ledge and I
were a man hanging over an abyss. I thought of the years behind me, of the
life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and
struggle. Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game
had I played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some
surprise that there was no game board between us.  What had I done wrong?

As if answering the unspoken thought, the President suddenly cocked his
head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling
wryly as he folded his hands.

“You should have stopped me at the dinner roll,” he said.

Wake up, America !

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Hmm… A bit of payback

ATTENTION! THIS BLOG CONTAINS INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL FOR LIBERALS!

(and maybe some uptight conservatives with no sense of humor…)

PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

Now that I have my warning label out of the way, I can continue.

No I’m not talking about the next stimulus Obama is wanting to pass… I’m talking about how Obama has GOT to be laughing behind America’s back by now.
I have collected, thanks to my WONDERFUL friends on twitter, a series of jokes and political cartoons and emails about Obama, Pelosi, Biden and the likes. Hope you enjoy.

(Note I did not make up any of these jokes or cartoons myself.)

Time  Warp
Over five  thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ” pick
up your  shovel , mount your asses and camels , and I will lead you to the
promise land”.

Nearly 75  years ago , Roosevelt said, ” Lay down your shovels , sit on
your asses  , and light up a camel , this is the promised land”.

Now Obama  is going to steal your shovel , kick your asses , Raise the
price of  camels , and mortgage the promised land.

__________________________________________________________

The Marine

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.”

“We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.  I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!  He retaliated by yelling –“Oh yeah?  Well, so does Hillary Clinton!”
“And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands when a truck hit us.”

___________________________________________________________

Postage Stamp Problems

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama but
the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional hearings,a special Presidential Commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order.

There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

People are just spitting on the wrong side.

___________________________________________________________

Briefing

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how many is a brazilian?’

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of a billion or trillion either.

___________________________________________________________

Bad Day

When you are having a bad day and think you are having problems, just remember this:

Somewhere in this world there is a MR. PELOSI!

__________________________________________________________

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who’s hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle”.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with’.

____________________________________________________________

New GM Car

In a special news conference yesterday, Government Motors announced it’s new concept car. The new GM proudly announces the 2010 Oldsmobile Obama.

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two teleprompters, programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the “happy” democrat owners.

________________________________________________________________

Soup Kitchen

Michelle Obama went to serve food to the homeless at a government funded soup kitchen.

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter: $0.00

Having Michelle Obama serve your soup: $0.00

A homeless person receiving government funded meals while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500.00 Blackberry cell phone… $Priceless

_______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

Aaaaaaaaaaand last but not least…. I had to save this one for last… Seeing as my nickname is Black Widow and all, this made me laugh extra hard. Loved it.

Enjoy.

Black Widow

Everyone needs to be aware and be very, very careful!

Very informative

The Black Widow….

This spider, one of only a few poisonous spiders in the USA , can be found all over the states of Missouri , Arkansas , Kentucky , and Tennessee .
The spider releases a neurotoxin into the victim that, if not treated, can cause death!

The Black widow hooks-up with the male then sucks the very life out of him after mating!

She’s very easy to spot…

The female has a very wide backside, is Black, and has a red hour glass shaped marking on her belly….

You can find this spider in:

Closets

Wood Piles

Under Beds

and now…

THE WHITEHOUSE!

http://www.twitter.com/RealBlackWidow

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Al, Bill and Barack Go To Heaven…

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to Heaven.

God addresses Al first: ”Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies: “Well, I believe that I won that election,
but that it was your will that I did not serve.
And I’ve come to understand that now.”

God thinks for a second and says:
“Very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill:  “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies: “I believe in forgiveness.
I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a
grudge against my fellow man,
and I hope no grudges are held against me.”

God thinks for a second and says:
“You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”

Then God addresses Barack:  “Barack, what do you believe in?”

Barack replies: “I believe you’re in my chair.”

*original author unknown*

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